Parenting: Three alternatives to "No"

Whenever I feel unmotivated to blog for a long time, it usually "reader demand" that gets me to come back.

I recently received an e-mail that said, among other things:

I follow your blog and LOVE reading your posts and really like your outlook on parenting.

Well, thank you Niki.

Because of you, I am now back, and this post is just for you.

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I recently heard good things about Barbara Coloroso's book Kids Are Worth It! and I got a copy from the library ILL (which means I didn't get to keep it for too long. God forbid I should actually buy it, you know.)


I didn't finish it in time, but there was a lot I liked. As you may know, I have never liked the idea of "traditional punishment" (for example, I never ever gave a detention when I worked in the public schools), but I often have a hard time finding a suitable alternative. This book seemed to suit my style -- or attempted style, anyway.

Here are Barbara Coloroso's
Three Alternatives to No.

1) "Yes, later."
I've been using this a lot. I even told the kids about it! I like this better than either barking, "Not now!" or "Not until whatever!" at them. She makes a sort of funny point about this too: If for some reason you change your mind or "give in" after two minutes, you still didn't lie or waffle on them. It is later. Two minutes later.

2) "Give a minute."
I looove this one.

I don't know about you, but kids often ask me something while I'm on the phone, someone(s) is screaming about something, and/or I'm trying to get food on the table. I have a tendency to simply snap, "NO!" because I can't deal with it, and frankly I just want them to shut up. I like this a lot better.

She points out that if a kid insists they need to know now, you should say, "If you need an answer right now, it's No. Otherwise, give me a minute to think about it.

3) "Convince me."
I haven't used this one yet. She says it's more useful with older kids. I do like the idea of putting the burden back on the kids.

Okay, now I'm back in the groove. More posts to come this week ...

What we're all reading right now

On some level, I think a main motivation for me to homeschool was that we would hopefully have more time to read.


THE GIRLS
I was a big fan of Beverly Cleary when I was a kid, and right now I'm enjoying them again by reading several of the Henry books to the girls. Beverly Cleary always made me think of Ramona, and I didn't realize that there were many books where Ramona was a very remote, secondary character.







BENJAMIN
Benjamin has been on an almost ridiculous Richard Scarry kick. We read one of these to him at least twice a day, every day. It's interesting how darn ... well, preachy these books are! Yet they are so loved. I don't know if the lesson is that little kids like the preachiness, or just that that the funny characters and pictures override it.







ME
These days it takes me forever to get through a novel, if I attempt it at all. I was amazed when my mother loaned me The Help (which I had never heard of and thought I would probably hate) and I slurped it up in less than two months.



It's interesting, thought ... I loved reading The Help. However, I would not say that it was an exceptionally good book. I noticed some reviews compared it to Harper Lee. Um, no.

So now I've started slowing tackling A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.



I like this book, but it's a little hard to read because it's so sad. It reminds me a little of The Grapes of Wrath, except for the fact that I actually like it.

Since I always have to be reading more than one thing at once (and I always need non-fiction because it's easier to skim), I'm also reading a fairly new book called Simplicity Parenting.



This is one of those books where it's like, "Yeah, I know, I do try to do this, but I could use the reminder." It talks about purging a lot of the toy and book clutter from the kids' rooms, so their play can be more focused and creative. Having mealtime rituals. He even recommends no TV in the house if your kids are younger than seven. (Which I don't and won't do, but I can appreciate the sentiment.)


ROBERT
Robert hasn't "read" in the traditional sense for years, but he does listen to a lot of audio books during his commute. He's been working hard, on and off, for years, writing "Rachael's Hospital Story," and is listening to this to help him best edit it:

Book review: Grace-Based Parenting

A couple years ago, at a women's Bible study, one woman said, "My sister always had a great way of teaching her kids about grace. She would punish them -- maybe by saying they couldn't go to the park like they planned -- and then an hour later she would say, 'Get your shoes on so we can go to the park.' And when the kids acted surprised, she would say, 'God shows us grace, so I'm showing you grace.' "

Then she kind of chuckled and said, "She usually did it when she realized the punishment was a bad idea, like when she told them they couldn't go to the park, but then they were all driving her crazy by staying inside."

The other women in the Bible Study all said, "Oh, wow! That's so great! What a great way of teaching grace to your children!"

Now if you know me at all, you know I'm very Skeptical and Difficult, especially in Bible Study Settings, and something didn't seem quite right about it to me. I pondered it for a while and thought:

1) If you, as a parent, make a bad decision about something, you should just admit it was a bad decision, or that you changed your mind. Don't pretend to make it a lesson about something just so that you can save face.

2) The whole point of grace is that it is freely bestowed out of generosity and kindness. To say, "Eh, never mind, I guess I'll show you grace because my original plan won't work" seems to miss the whole point.

3) The concept of grace must be something bigger and more meaningful than simply, "I can and should punish you, but I've decided not to."

4) What would, in fact, be a better way to truly show our kids grace?


Well, I recently am finding out some answers to #3 from a book I'm reading called Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

It's strength is also what makes it slightly aggravating. This is not your typical parenting book of "here's what to do when you kid does this, and here's how to handle when your kid does that." Rather, it talks about what grace is, with plenty of scripture, as well as quotes from people like Philip Yancey and CS Lewis, and talks about what that might look like in the relationship with your parents.

A large portion of the book discussed the fact that all humans, even before The Fall, were created with three needs:

1) A need for love and security
2) A need for purpose
3) A need for hope

and then addresses what a parent meeting those needs might look like.

Or maybe what it definitely would not look like.

It's very thought-provoking; the type of book that's best when you read it slowly, think about it, then re-read parts again. It's the kind of book I wish I had a group I could discuss a chapter or two with every week. I think it would make a great study for an adult Sunday School class.

Book Review - Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe

I recently joined a homeschool group in town, and someone was able to get this book for several of us at a bulk rate:

Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe by Todd Wilson

[Isn't an interesting that a man would write a book like that? And along those lines, I didn't care for the way he addressed the reader as "Mom" throughout the book. I'm not his mother.]

It's one of those books you can read in less than an hour -- which is a very good thing! :)

I would recommend it, since it's short and cute and cheap. It was not life-changing, but it was a good reminder. And possibly there are other women out there who could be helped greatly by reading it.

Here are some of my thoughts and observations:

1) There are several cartoons and most of them are pretty funny. For example, one has the title of "Dueling Homeschoolers":

First Woman: I bake my own bread.
Second Woman: I grind my own wheat.
FW: I grow my own wheat.
SW: I do genetic altering bio-technology of wheat.

2) I think this kind of thinking ("everyone's kids are better behave than mine, Everyone else's house is neater and cleaner than mine," etc) is true of almost all women, or at least almost all mothers. Homeschooling probably intensifies and broadens it. Why is that? Why do women compare themselves all the time?

3) The lie that probably hits me hardest is "Everyone fixes better meals than you." And I really do like to cook! It's just that I don't have much energy for it these days, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't grind my own wheat.

From page 34:

This lie has sprung from pure motives of good people trying to help each other eat more healthily, but it has become a heavy weight most moms carry ... Good cooking catchphrases have become badges of spirituality.

Moms proudly announce that they bake their own bread ... grind their own wheat ... eliminate processed sugars ... eat only raw vegetables ... and love to throw a little chickweed on their salads.

Maybe you like to do some of those things I mentioned. If you do, that's great ... BUT keep it to yourself!

Yup, I've certainly felt that way. (That everyone else is eating and cooking better then me, I mean.)

I wouldn't agree, though, that you should keep it to yourself if you like to do those things. After all, doesn't he have a whole section about "being real." Also, if someone is so weak that they're going to crumble because someone else bakes all their bread, well, they need to get over it, as opposed to the Bread Baker hiding it so as not to upset anybody.

5) This part was odd to me, from page 44:

I would guess there aren't many moms who absolutely love homeschooling. Some enjoy parts of homeschooling, but some hate every part of homeschooling except the results.

So is he saying that a fair amount of women homeschool their kids for years, even though day after day, they hate doing it -- just because they believe it's "best" for their kids? Could that possibly be true??

Gosh, I tend to think if they feel that way, their kids would be better off in school, and these women would be better off spending their days doing something they actually enjoyed. It sounds like someone being "guilted" into doing something huge that they hate but are afraid to say no to .... How sad if that's true! And how odd that he doesn't address any of that, but instead just says, "Don't worry, you're not the only one who hates it." Wow.

Anyone else have any thoughts about that one?

6) Here's something Robert and I were talking about last night, from page 81:

God makes no mistakes. It's also true that God gave your children exactly the mother they needed ... If God wanted someone better than you to be your children's mother, He would have done that ... if you want someone better to teach your children, you'll find no one. You are the best. You're number one!

Huh??

So Susan Smith was the best mother those kids could possibly have?

What about all the people there who molest, hit, or constantly belittle their kids? Or are drunk half the time? They're "number one"? Are you kidding me?

Sorry, I just can't buy into the idea that just because God gave a person kids, they are doing a great job as a parent and everything they choose is just fine and dandy, because hey, they're the parent, and God ordained that.

I'm curious what others think of either the book in general, or any thoughts I posted above.