Book review: Grace-Based Parenting

A couple years ago, at a women's Bible study, one woman said, "My sister always had a great way of teaching her kids about grace. She would punish them -- maybe by saying they couldn't go to the park like they planned -- and then an hour later she would say, 'Get your shoes on so we can go to the park.' And when the kids acted surprised, she would say, 'God shows us grace, so I'm showing you grace.' "

Then she kind of chuckled and said, "She usually did it when she realized the punishment was a bad idea, like when she told them they couldn't go to the park, but then they were all driving her crazy by staying inside."

The other women in the Bible Study all said, "Oh, wow! That's so great! What a great way of teaching grace to your children!"

Now if you know me at all, you know I'm very Skeptical and Difficult, especially in Bible Study Settings, and something didn't seem quite right about it to me. I pondered it for a while and thought:

1) If you, as a parent, make a bad decision about something, you should just admit it was a bad decision, or that you changed your mind. Don't pretend to make it a lesson about something just so that you can save face.

2) The whole point of grace is that it is freely bestowed out of generosity and kindness. To say, "Eh, never mind, I guess I'll show you grace because my original plan won't work" seems to miss the whole point.

3) The concept of grace must be something bigger and more meaningful than simply, "I can and should punish you, but I've decided not to."

4) What would, in fact, be a better way to truly show our kids grace?


Well, I recently am finding out some answers to #3 from a book I'm reading called Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

It's strength is also what makes it slightly aggravating. This is not your typical parenting book of "here's what to do when you kid does this, and here's how to handle when your kid does that." Rather, it talks about what grace is, with plenty of scripture, as well as quotes from people like Philip Yancey and CS Lewis, and talks about what that might look like in the relationship with your parents.

A large portion of the book discussed the fact that all humans, even before The Fall, were created with three needs:

1) A need for love and security
2) A need for purpose
3) A need for hope

and then addresses what a parent meeting those needs might look like.

Or maybe what it definitely would not look like.

It's very thought-provoking; the type of book that's best when you read it slowly, think about it, then re-read parts again. It's the kind of book I wish I had a group I could discuss a chapter or two with every week. I think it would make a great study for an adult Sunday School class.